Blytheville Courier News: Columns: Shannon Spears Harris

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The title shall remain a mystery ... (05/13/12)
I've always been a person who likes to read. Actually that's a bit of an understatement. I've always been a person who likes to obsessively read, is more like it. Luckily, these days, being a nerd isn't so much of a bad thing as it was when I was in high school.

My favorite flavor was strawberry, by the way ... (05/06/12)
As you read this, friends, it will be my birthday. And yes, you should put down the paper right now and sing Happy Birthday. I expect to hear it reverberating all over town. Also I will welcome cupcakes. Just kidding (not really).

It's a good thing I know how to shoot... (04/28/12)
Hey guys. I've decided that this week is confession time, since it's been a while since I've told you anything weird about myself (raise your hand if you think it's only actually been since last week, but play along anyway). For some reason I have a genetic malfunction that fills me with the urge to disclose things about myself that probably no one really cares about. And no, it's not because I'm the baby of my family and I crave attention and validation. Stop analyzing me. Geez...

The dogs are also on medication ... (04/22/12)
This week, and for the next few weeks, The Police is at home, on the couch, recovering from knee surgery. Someone who is used to jumping up every morning and going out to get the bad guys is now laid flat, with nothing but Netflix and the kids who play basketball next door to amuse him.

I'm really a Cap'n Crunch kind of girl... (04/15/12)
Greetings, muchachos. What I have for you today is a list of completely random and pointless observations. You can call it stream of consciousness, if you're the academic type. Or you can just assume that I'm a hopeless nut job.

This is me doing a love song ... (04/08/12)
Today my heart is full. Not because anything special happened or I've finally discovered the perfect combination of hair products, but just because life is good. And in case you didn't pick it up at any of the other dozen times I've mentioned it -- I love my hometown.

Maybe if it were purple ... (04/01/12)
Having been somewhat topical over the past several weeks, I'm excited today to just fill you guys in on some things that have been going on with me and The Police lately.

Can I get an Amen? (03/25/12)
Today, my friends, I feel like preaching. So hang on to your hats. Or your wigs. Or your skirts. You catch my drift.

We're thinking of putting his name on the mailbox... (03/18/12)
This week, The Police and I bought a new mattress -- memory foam, with a layer of cooling gel. It's my best friend, it's the love of my life, we stroll hand in hand on the beach. I've named it Alfred.

May your life be coated in sprinkles (if you like that kind of thing) (03/11/12)
Spring is in the air, and I'd like to give it a big giant hug -- even though it makes my eyes water and my nose gush a lot of snot. That was oversharing. And gross. I apologize.

Don't look like a mountain troll (03/04/12)
Men, you're going to want to tune in today, you might learn something. I mean it. Read on ...

And she carries a mean set of nunchucks ... (02/26/12)
I would like to start off this week by sharing a little celebration with you, my friends. For the first time today -- and I mean the very first time, I spelled the word "receive" correctly on the first shot.

I should be able to outrun a three-legged dog ... (02/19/12)
So, I'm in Istanbul. No big deal, right? I took a job teaching English to young professionals at a language school, signed up to help some local missionaries who were friends of my parents, and hit the city streets.

Who needs Romeo and Juliet? (02/12/12)
In honor of Valentine's Day this year, I am going to bring you, in my own rambling way, the first installment of a grand, sweeping romance -- one that spans continents and years, and ends up right here in this little town on the Mississippi River.

My, what a lovely fake sheep ... (02/05/12)
I would like to thank The Academy for having no idea who I am, my dog Ellie for going almost a week with no accidents on the floor, and the people who run T.J. Maxx for further enabling my shoe obsession. But mostly, I would like to thank my parents for not medicating me for behavior correction when I was a child, because God knows no one would have blamed them...

There's no place like home ... (01/29/12)
So, I just returned to the land of the cotton fields from a weekend in Phoenix, visiting my grandmother.

And another dream bites the dust ... (01/22/12)
I was a gullible kid. Really, really, gullible. I'm going to say it was because I was full of the milk of human kindness in my youth, and had childlike faith to believe the best of everyone, not because I was a total space cadet who barely paid enough attention to my surroundings to keep from falling down.

And make them chocolate chip... (01/14/12)
I think the transition from young person to old person begins at the moment when you realize that the opportunity to stay in your house in your sweat pants all day and hang curtains or something becomes an exciting idea, as opposed to an idea that makes you want to cry. Or maybe that's the moment when you begin to transform from a person with a social life into a hermit. I'm not sure...

For a few days, I was a real adult ... (01/08/12)
From day one of starting this columnist venture, I determined that I would keep it real. All true stuff right here folks. Unfortunately, as we all know, real life isn't always amusing, and neither is my story for today. But that's the way it is.

And the water was too cold to jump in for cover ... (01/02/12)
The woman who is the voice of our GPS system is drunk with power, teeming with sarcasm and must be stopped.

And don't stick your tongue to a frozen flag pole ... (12/25/11)
Since it's Christmas Day as you read this, I sincerely hope that you are cozied up somewhere with your family, wearing footie pajamas in front of the fire and sipping hot chocolate (at least that's how I'm going to picture you all).

For your enjoyment, some pointless observations ... (12/11/11)
I've been going to the gym nearly every day for the last month or so. Feel free to congratulate me next time we meet, or give me a cupcake, because I have to replace all those burned calories. Whichever you feel would be best.

And I didn't even open the trunk ... (12/04/11)
Hey everybody. I'd like to start off this week with a tiny slice of self-justification. Or maybe it's just guilt and shame in disguise. But anyway. I am an excellent housekeeper. No, really. I am.

You might want to wear an apron ... (11/27/11)
Happy Post-Thanksgiving, my friends -- I hope you are all sufficiently fat and happy today. Or at least fat, just so I won't feel like I'm alone in the universe of Step Away From The Pie If You Know What's Good For You.

A little Sunday reader's theater ... (11/20/11)
A conversation with the Automated Phone Service Devised in the Pits of Hell:

I'll bet they even have a tiny little disco ball ... (11/13/11)
I am writing to you this week from within a cloud of disinfectant spray, my friends. Apparently, our office has a slight mouse problem, and this morning I got to my desk and discovered some, umm, evidence that they had been there.

On mud-soaked and brain-dead teenage decisions ... (11/06/11)
I hope everyone had a great Halloween, whether you dressed up and got all wild and crazy, or dressed your kids up and took them trick-or-treating, or just sat home and stared at the wall.

Stop the holidays, I wanna get off! (10/30/11)
This week, my friends, I want to share something with you that troubles me deeply. No really. It's a problem. It causes my left eyelid to twitch and renders my brain unable to stop my mouth from launching into loud, impassioned rants.

Isn't there a reality show about that? (10/23/11)
As I sit here and stare at my computer screen, my friends, I realize that there are some things about me that haven't changed since about the second grade.

And I'll be your best friend forever ... (10/16/11)
Before we get started this week, something needs to be addressed. And snickered about. But cleared up.

Music City Raw (10/09/11)
Last weekend, The Police and I took a little trip to the big city of Nashville, to see one of our favorite singers in concert and attend an international festival. It was a lovely little getaway.

A public service announcement, re: public bathrooms (10/02/11)
This week, my friends, I can only hope I won't offend you beyond all hopes that you would ever read this column again -- because I want to talk about ... the bathroom.

I'm not dead yet ... (09/25/11)
Without preamble, I would like to present you with a list. And then some random thoughts that trailed off of it, because that's just how I roll.

I wish I made this look good ... (09/18/11)
"It's hard to look cool in a bright yellow hatchback." -- The Police ... truer words have never been spoken.

Can I bill al-Qaida for all this shampoo? (09/11/11)
Straddling the fence between funny and serious is a very tenuous job, and finding the line between laughing to cope with tragedy and laughing at tragedy is even more confusing and fraught with difficulty, but here goes ...

And it was all so I could have a clawfoot tub ... (09/04/11)
The Police and I have recently purchased and are currently remodeling a home. I mean remodeling with a vengeance -- like this house's own mother would no longer recognize it.

Lots of stuff no one cares about (08/28/11)
I am addicted to iced coffee. Any brand, any flavor. As long as it has caffeine and caramel or caffeine and chocolate, and is cold and creamy and wonderful. If only Starbuck's didn't charge FOUR DOLLARS for a 13-ounce bottle of the stuff. It would probably be cheaper to smoke...

Just smile and wave, boys (08/21/11)
I wish I could say that I come from a family of scatterbrains, but I do not. I seem to have dropped out of the sky from a planet where everyone wanders through life in a confused daze, into the middle of a very highly organized and professional family.

A few confessions for a Wednesday (07/06/11)
-- I have a degree in English Education. I spent four years teaching other people how to properly use the English language, both stateside and abroad. Yet, I find it completely impossible to spell the words "restaurant" and "receive." I don't just mean that they were hard words for me to learn back in the fourth grade. I mean I spell them wrongly every single time I try to use them. Every time...

His name isn't George (06/06/11)
Today, because it's Monday, and I'm just not as even and sweet-tempered in the mornings as I am the rest of the time, things are going to be a little random. But that's what makes life interesting, right? Right.

You had to be there (05/30/11)
Following, you will find snippets of several conversations that The Police and I have had over the years. Most of them remain in public memory (and mine) because of Facebook

And a Corncob in a Recliner (05/23/11)
Just in case anyone is actually reading these posts (taps computer screen ... hello out there?) I thought I would give an update on the Hurley situation. Some of you did ask, since my post about him going to dog school, how things have progressed. Well, I'll tell you.

Here's to You, Mrs. Robinson (05/16/11)
My birthday was last weekend, and having turned 27, I now feel like I am too old to preface my age with the phrase "I'm only ..."

Stop the hype machine (05/09/11)
I guess you could call me a non-conformist. This might partially explain why, whenever I get bored with life, I do things like dye my hair purple, become a vegan, or move to Istanbul.

Musings on Cars and ... well, you'll see ... (05/02/11)
Apparently, at some point over the last several weeks, water has worked its insidious way into my car, no doubt during one of our recent torrential rainstorms.

Somebody pass the valium (04/25/11)
I am always frustrated by the moments in thriller-type movies in which a character (usually female and usually stupid -- I sigh) ventures off to have a look at that abandoned house or to see what that sound was that she heard in the woods. At night. Alone. Unarmed.

This Is Your Brain on Vacation (04/18/11)
For those of you who do not know me very well, you may not be informed of the fact that I love listening to NPR. No, really. I love it.

Shannon Spears Harris

Shannon Spears Harris is a staff writer for the Courier News.

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