Pardon me while I get personal ... (12/08/13)
I mentioned this briefly a few weeks ago, but for those of you who missed it, I've been homebound for about three weeks now, per doctor's orders.
Winter Weather Advisory
Sunday, Dec. 8, 2013
Pardon me while I get personal ... (12/08/13)
I mentioned this briefly a few weeks ago, but for those of you who missed it, I've been homebound for about three weeks now, per doctor's orders.
Maybe I'll wear one of those furry hats, too ... (12/01/13)
So this weekend wrapped up Black Friday and officially kicks off the Christmas season (for those of us who had the self-restraint to wait, that is).
And you'd better not ask me to smile pretty ... (11/24/13)
Raise your hand if you love having your picture taken. Yeah, I didn't think so. Neither do I.
Now I need another tissue ... (11/17/13)
I'm sharing something with you this week that I've been holding on to for a while. Well, actually, only since October, so I'm not sure whether or not that qualifies as a while.
I pulled, and I even used my bootstraps ... (11/10/13)
I have a confession to make, friends. Even though it's November and the season of thankfulness and everyone and their brother is using social media to share all the things they're grateful for every single day, I have just not been feeling it.
And you haven't seen the last of me, either ... (11/03/13)
OK, right now I want to talk about something I've talked to you guys about before. Because apparently, unlike Earnest T. Bass, I DO chew my cabbage twice.
Like sharks and algebra, for example ... (10/28/13)
Let's talk about things that are intimidating. Naming your kid, for example. That's intimidating.
Hey, at least the roof is still on... (10/20/13)
So last week, I tripped over a gigantic crack in my living room floor, and now we may just need to burn our house down and start all over. ...I exaggerate, of course, but what I am talking about here is one of those real life home improvement spiral-of-death-and-disaster type situations that we all find ourselves in from time to time. Of course, we were super thrilled that this one occurred when we are less than four months away from bringing a new baby home. Perfect timing. Really...
Sugar and spice and everything ... well, you know the rest ... (10/13/13)
I'm almost a little surprised to say that as of this weekend, we will be more than halfway through our journey to meet our little girl.
I'm going to need to get a bigger soapbox ... (10/06/13)
So if you've spent the last week practically anywhere except for maybe living among the penguins in Antarctica, you're aware of the fact that our country is currently experiencing a governmental shutdown.
So basically, I'll be prepared for my dotage ... (09/29/13)
So I have a few pregnancy-related observations. Basically, I've summed them up thusly -- being pregnant seems to be a lot like getting old.
What I meant to say was ... something else (09/22/13)
This week, I decided to revive an old trend started up by a friend of mine several years ago. He called it "No Negativity Now," and it means that you take a pledge to stop all negative words coming out of your mouth for 30 days.
But I promise I'm not usually grumpy ... (09/16/13)
As I write this, friends, we are mere days away from a momentous event -- The Police and I will find out on Monday whether our new little is a he or a she.
I should have let her stick with the hazelnut ... (09/08/13)
This week, I nearly killed an old friend, using nothing but a container of yogurt. Well, OK, she wasn't nearly killed, but she was nearly very seriously sickened, and it was my fault. To a certain extent.
The sunsets will wear purple, too ... (09/04/13)
I'd like to be funny today, friends, but I just can't do it. As everyone local knows, we've spent the last three days at our office up to our necks in the details surrounding the violent death of a beautiful little girl.
Don't worry, I finished the nap at home... (08/25/13)
So yesterday, I almost blew up my Jeep because I was taking a nap. It's more than a little embarrassing, but hey, if that kind of stuff isn't what this column is for, then I don't know what is.
And I still don't much care for cherries ... (08/18/13)
Now that motherhood is impending for me, I've started wondering what sort of character my child will be, and based on my own childhood history ... I'm a little afraid.
I couldn't even begin to tell you why ... (08/11/13)
So ... umbrellas. When's the last time you read that exact sentence? Anyone?
The greasy, sneaky, spiral of loathing and shame ... (08/04/13)
So let me tell you why I'm ashamed of myself: If anyone were to ask me how many times I've been to McDonald's for breakfast this week, I would have to tell them ... four.
This should be a surprise either way ... (07/21/13)
So, dear friends, I'm having a baby. Bam. Didn't see that one coming, did you? Unless of course you know me from Facebook or The Twitter or real life and have already noticed me throwing up in odd places. But otherwise ... surprise!
It's random observation day again ... (06/30/13)
I'm a nail biter from way back. Through multiple bouts of recovery and relapse over the past 20 years or so, this is one bad habit I simply cannot break, and I've come to terms with it.
And we have more than we'll ever need ... (06/23/13)
This week, I'm really excited to share something amazing with you guys. My husband recently returned from a 15-day trip to China and India. Seeing the way that so many people who share our planet are forced to live is a life-changing experience.
And now for a whole lot of complaining ... (06/16/13)
I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but as a refresher -- I'm from Louisiana. I was born there, lots of my family live there and it's familiar to me.
I also love the rain ... (06/09/13)
In a continuation of last week's idea about everyday beauty, a few more moments which caught my notice over the last few days ...
The place where the beauty comes from ... (06/02/13)
I believe in my bones that there are little, tiny, almost impossible-to-notice moments and things and experiences in life that are left along our personal roadside as gifts -- things that enrich us and make us feel more alive and happy to be part of the world.
I wouldn't have sold her anyway ... (05/26/13)
So this one time, I lost my Barbie in the lake. Obviously, tragedy ensued. It was weeks ago, and I'm still not over it.
Also, the rain stays mainly on the plains ... (05/19/13)
So here's what happened today, you guys. I had this great idea for a column. It was brilliant. Actually, it still is brilliant, just not in the current state in which it exists in my mind.
The squirrels are cooler anyway ... (05/12/13)
I'm afraid the birds don't like me. This obviously means that my social anxieties and obsessive need to be liked have reached a whole new level of ridiculous.
Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky ... (05/05/13)
Being a columnist of the genre in which I fall (if there is a genre for someone like me) has changed my life in one very interesting way. Sometimes I have bad days. Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days (name that book).
I'm also pretty sure Lois Lane isn't real... (04/28/13)
Today, as proof that I do occasionally think about serious things and not just how many zombies I could run down in my Jeep should the necessity arise, I'd like to offer some musings on what I do for a living. This little collection of thoughts is something I've been working on for a while, mainly because I love this job and at its core, it is a very thought-provoking thing to show up and do every day, and I wanted to share. ...
Maybe she'll run a marathon with me one day ... (04/21/13)
Let me start off by saying what has to be said: Our country has had a shocking, sad, exhausting and traumatic week.
Bells to be rung and spring to be sprung ... (04/14/13)
Yesterday I found a gray hair. I don't know why I'm telling you this, but hey -- I've told you that I once thought I could breathe through my ears, that I fell down in front of the Parthenon, and that I have extremely violent feelings about blue toilet water, and you've stuck with me. So I need to talk about the gray hair.
We could call it "King of the Aisles" ... (04/07/13)
I have no food in my house. Not that you care, I was just hoping to find someone with whom to commiserate on this issue.
I may have knocked some people down ... (03/31/13)
I stabbed myself in the hand with an ink-pen this morning. It's definitely going to leave a mark. Get it? A mark? Da-dum-tsss ...
If only the dog could have cushioned my fall ... (03/17/13)
I believe, dear friends, that spring may finally have sprung. Because of all the flowers blooming, the warmer breezes and the brighter sunshine, I am happy and feel like hugging a tree.
Indian folk tunes in the bathroom can be soothing ... (03/10/13)
This is one of those times when so much has happened since the last time I sat down to do this column thing that I am completely flummoxed about where to start, what to say and exactly how many details of my recent life might interest you.
Oh, and I'm taking my cowboy boots ... (02/17/13)
OK, guys. As I sit here at this very moment, I only have four more "get-ups" until The Police and I head out for Europe.
And I didn't feel like Marilyn at all ... (02/10/13)
Boy, oh boy. Let me just tell you. As I was sitting down today to face a serious case of Ihavenoideawhattowriteabout-itis, I decided to go get some lunch. And things pretty much took care of themselves from there.
I even heard violin music in my head ... (02/03/13)
Raise your hand if you've read "The Godfather." Now put it back down if you've only seen the movie and you think that's the same thing. Because it's not. While Mario Puzo's epic book is certainly worth an entire column devoted to singing its praises, I have only mentioned it because I want to take an extremely roundabout route to my actual topic. I know you're surprised...
Maybe I can go without shampoo ... (01/27/13)
Today I'm going to share with you some information that I've been sitting on for well over a month, which is monumental for me, considering how excited I am about this.
The sunrise is really so overrated ... (01/20/13)
So, I think I have finally decided on a decent New Year's resolution. Hey, it's still January, right? This is not the sort of thing that you should just rush into.
But we smell like a spring meadow ... (01/13/13)
Big news today, friends, big news. We got a new washing machine. I know, I know, the excitement is hard to bear. Take a few deep breaths. I'll wait.
Light without and light within ... (01/06/13)
It's a new year, and there are several things I would like to say.
The Smurfs couldn't protect me either ... (12/30/12)
I'm afraid of house fires. I know, I know, saying that you're afraid of house fires is kind of like saying you're afraid of spiders or the apocalypse or Lady Gaga ... everyone is.
But I wouldn't try sledding if I were you ... (12/23/12)
Well, boys and girls, it's Christmas time again. Now is the part of the column where we do audience participation: find somebody and give them a Merry Christmas kiss, hug, or polite nod (whichever is appropriate, obviously). I'll wait ...
Her name was Martoiya ... (12/14/12)
Today, dear friends, is not a day to be funny. It's a day to ask questions. And to be honest, I feel a bit pretentious by even attempting to address this issue with my own feeble and meandering thoughts.
It must be really cool to be French ... (12/09/12)
I came across something last week that piqued my interest: the Proust questionnaire. Marcel Proust was a French and sort of existentially brilliant author, and this set of questions was made famous by the answers he gave to them in the journal of a friend.
Now what am I supposed to do with all this ... (12/02/12)
Gather 'round, ladies and gentlemen, for an amazing spectacle the likes of which you've never seen.
They would also be allowed to step on my toes... (11/25/12)
Happy post-Thanksgiving everybody. I don't know about you, but in spite of the fact that I ate way less this year than I normally do (thanks to the lingering effects of a stomach virus), I still sit here on Friday feeling like one of those people in a Pepto commercial - nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach...well, you get my drift...
You can call me Maynard if you want ... (11/18/12)
Among other things, I am realizing today, all over again, that life is meant to be enjoyed. And that is in spite of any and all circumstances, both on an individual level and a societal one.
And the sun will keep on rising ... (11/11/12)
I'm going to step out of character here for a little while, friends. Bear with me. As I've said before, honesty and real-ness are important to me, and life is not always entertaining or amusing. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it takes you by surprise with a gut punch and leaves you gasping for air and wondering what the heck just happened and how you got where you are.
But I do know a lot about Shakespeare ... (10/28/12)
This morning, I had a flat tire. Really flat, as in it had two nails in it plus an extra hole. It was in a thoroughly sad condition. ... Not that I noticed.
You can also learn how to make a paper gun... (10/21/12)
Whenever I sit and replay in my mind the events of the past few days in our home, I hear along with it that chicken dance song. You know, the one that always gets used as the soundtrack for blooper reels, and such. Google it before you read this, if you aren't already hearing it in your head. I promise it will enhance the experience...
All I want in life is maid service ... (10/14/12)
It's random observation time again. I can hear you cheering now. This time I've used subtitles, because subtitles are fancy.
And flowers are always a good idea ... (10/07/12)
Today I want to talk about feminism. If this were the keynote address at a conference or a valedictorian's speech, it would begin with the dictionary definition. "Webster's defines feminism as ..."
I am totally skipping dinner tonight ... (09/30/12)
Hey guys. At this very moment, my system is struggling to digest a ridiculously big lunch, consisting of a lot of sweets. I think this is OK, though, because I had it at a fabulous tea shop and it was called High Tea, which is essentially dainty and ladylike, and masks the fact that I ate like a lumberjack.
Being a face in the crowd has its ups and downs (09/23/12)
This weekend, I'm spending a few days in St. Louis with some family and friends at a conference. At this very moment, I'm sitting in a gigantic stadium with around 20,000 other people, and I'd just like to talk about that.
A few things I hope never happen to you ... (09/16/12)
I hope you never have to stick your arm into the tank of the toilet in the public restroom at a dollar store. Because that would be really, really gross, and you may walk away from the experience feeling as though you'll never be clean again.
And my bike would be called "The Destroyer" ... (09/09/12)
It's been a while since I've offered up a "Random List of Observations" column (you're welcome, by the way). But since I'm itching to share how I feel about useless minutiae and I have nothing else to talk about, away we go.
Stop, collaborate and listen ... (09/02/12)
So today, I'm feeling all ... musical. Let me explain. Last week, I surprised The Police with tickets to a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, scheduled for this weekend. Wife of the Year, right? I know.
Instructions on catching a cold ... (08/26/12)
8:00 a.m. -- Arrive at work (OK, maybe it was more like 8:15). Sit at desk and keep sunglasses on because the light is hurting your itchy, runny, bloodshot eyes. Stare groggily into space for a few minutes.
Mainly I would miss red velvet ... (08/19/12)
The Olympics are over, and I've been left with a huge and gaping hole in my life. For the past two weeks, I have put everything on hold to stay glued to the TV every night until way past my normal granny-ish bedtime.
You can send flowers to their moms if you want ... (08/05/12)
I've been holding on to today's story for a few weeks, mainly so my brain could have time to process the trauma it incurred. But now I think I'm ready. Hope you guys don't mind me using this public forum as some sort of weird substitute for therapy. Thanks.
I think they make a pill for that ... (07/22/12)
I'd like to preface this list by saying that I think that these disorders can crop up in us all from time to time -- I know I am guilty.
And she lived happily ever after ... (07/15/12)
And now, boys and girls, it's time for a fairy tale. Buckle your seat belts for a tale of love and loss, failure and heartbreak, and the triumph of the human spirit.
I will never squish an ant again ... (07/08/12)
Warning: if you are squeamish, I recommend that you pretend this column doesn't exist. I tried to tell my mom this story over the phone, and she told me I had to stop talking immediately before she cried or threw up, or something.
At least he wasn't into the hard stuff ... (06/24/12)
I am, good friends, at this very moment, on family vacation. Since none of my family expect me to update them with the news or be witty or interesting if I don't feel like it, today is day one of a 10-day process in which my brain will shut down all non-essential functions.
I'll take mine well done, with a little umbrella... (06/16/12)
Greetings, amigos. I've heard some rumors abroad that The Police (who apparently has his own following), has not been featured much in this column as of late, so in response to that, I will focus today's ramblings on him. It's not a hard thing for me to do, since I do sort of still have a giant crush on him. Don't tell. Just pass him my note during math class, okay?...
And her signature color was blue ... (06/10/12)
Last weekend I was feeling under the weather and was obliged to spend the majority of my time on the couch with my good friend, Netflix.
I'd also love to make my own jam ... (06/03/12)
Happy Sunday, peeps -- I hope this beautiful weekend hasn't gone to waste for anyone, and that none of you bit your nails as much as I did this week. I can't help it. In spite of more than 20 years of effort on my mother's part to break me of this habit, some days still just make me bite my nails.
The Night Walmart Killed My Soul (05/27/12)
The following is what I would like to call a small town vignette. Please keep in mind that I am not blaming the good people of Walmart for these events, since none of them were really anybody's fault. Except for mine. But that's hardly the point.
And don't even get me started on bird poop ... (05/20/12)
Put on your thinking caps, friends -- today I present you with some really intensely researched science. Keep in mind that in my world, science = random observations that are confirmed by the fact that I've experienced them more than once.
The title shall remain a mystery ... (05/13/12)
I've always been a person who likes to read. Actually that's a bit of an understatement. I've always been a person who likes to obsessively read, is more like it. Luckily, these days, being a nerd isn't so much of a bad thing as it was when I was in high school.
My favorite flavor was strawberry, by the way ... (05/06/12)
As you read this, friends, it will be my birthday. And yes, you should put down the paper right now and sing Happy Birthday. I expect to hear it reverberating all over town. Also I will welcome cupcakes. Just kidding (not really).
It's a good thing I know how to shoot... (04/28/12)
Hey guys. I've decided that this week is confession time, since it's been a while since I've told you anything weird about myself (raise your hand if you think it's only actually been since last week, but play along anyway). For some reason I have a genetic malfunction that fills me with the urge to disclose things about myself that probably no one really cares about. And no, it's not because I'm the baby of my family and I crave attention and validation. Stop analyzing me. Geez...
The dogs are also on medication ... (04/22/12)
This week, and for the next few weeks, The Police is at home, on the couch, recovering from knee surgery. Someone who is used to jumping up every morning and going out to get the bad guys is now laid flat, with nothing but Netflix and the kids who play basketball next door to amuse him.
I'm really a Cap'n Crunch kind of girl... (04/15/12)
Greetings, muchachos. What I have for you today is a list of completely random and pointless observations. You can call it stream of consciousness, if you're the academic type. Or you can just assume that I'm a hopeless nut job.
This is me doing a love song ... (04/08/12)
Today my heart is full. Not because anything special happened or I've finally discovered the perfect combination of hair products, but just because life is good. And in case you didn't pick it up at any of the other dozen times I've mentioned it -- I love my hometown.
Maybe if it were purple ... (04/01/12)
Having been somewhat topical over the past several weeks, I'm excited today to just fill you guys in on some things that have been going on with me and The Police lately.
Can I get an Amen? (03/25/12)
Today, my friends, I feel like preaching. So hang on to your hats. Or your wigs. Or your skirts. You catch my drift.
We're thinking of putting his name on the mailbox... (03/18/12)
This week, The Police and I bought a new mattress -- memory foam, with a layer of cooling gel. It's my best friend, it's the love of my life, we stroll hand in hand on the beach. I've named it Alfred.
May your life be coated in sprinkles (if you like that kind of thing) (03/11/12)
Spring is in the air, and I'd like to give it a big giant hug -- even though it makes my eyes water and my nose gush a lot of snot. That was oversharing. And gross. I apologize.
Don't look like a mountain troll (03/04/12)
Men, you're going to want to tune in today, you might learn something. I mean it. Read on ...
And she carries a mean set of nunchucks ... (02/26/12)
I would like to start off this week by sharing a little celebration with you, my friends. For the first time today -- and I mean the very first time, I spelled the word "receive" correctly on the first shot.
I should be able to outrun a three-legged dog ... (02/19/12)
So, I'm in Istanbul. No big deal, right? I took a job teaching English to young professionals at a language school, signed up to help some local missionaries who were friends of my parents, and hit the city streets.
Who needs Romeo and Juliet? (02/12/12)
In honor of Valentine's Day this year, I am going to bring you, in my own rambling way, the first installment of a grand, sweeping romance -- one that spans continents and years, and ends up right here in this little town on the Mississippi River.
My, what a lovely fake sheep ... (02/05/12)
I would like to thank The Academy for having no idea who I am, my dog Ellie for going almost a week with no accidents on the floor, and the people who run T.J. Maxx for further enabling my shoe obsession. But mostly, I would like to thank my parents for not medicating me for behavior correction when I was a child, because God knows no one would have blamed them...
There's no place like home ... (01/29/12)
So, I just returned to the land of the cotton fields from a weekend in Phoenix, visiting my grandmother.
And another dream bites the dust ... (01/22/12)
I was a gullible kid. Really, really, gullible. I'm going to say it was because I was full of the milk of human kindness in my youth, and had childlike faith to believe the best of everyone, not because I was a total space cadet who barely paid enough attention to my surroundings to keep from falling down.
And make them chocolate chip... (01/14/12)
I think the transition from young person to old person begins at the moment when you realize that the opportunity to stay in your house in your sweat pants all day and hang curtains or something becomes an exciting idea, as opposed to an idea that makes you want to cry. Or maybe that's the moment when you begin to transform from a person with a social life into a hermit. I'm not sure...
For a few days, I was a real adult ... (01/08/12)
From day one of starting this columnist venture, I determined that I would keep it real. All true stuff right here folks. Unfortunately, as we all know, real life isn't always amusing, and neither is my story for today. But that's the way it is.
And the water was too cold to jump in for cover ... (01/02/12)
The woman who is the voice of our GPS system is drunk with power, teeming with sarcasm and must be stopped.
And don't stick your tongue to a frozen flag pole ... (12/25/11)
Since it's Christmas Day as you read this, I sincerely hope that you are cozied up somewhere with your family, wearing footie pajamas in front of the fire and sipping hot chocolate (at least that's how I'm going to picture you all).
For your enjoyment, some pointless observations ... (12/11/11)
I've been going to the gym nearly every day for the last month or so. Feel free to congratulate me next time we meet, or give me a cupcake, because I have to replace all those burned calories. Whichever you feel would be best.
And I didn't even open the trunk ... (12/04/11)
Hey everybody. I'd like to start off this week with a tiny slice of self-justification. Or maybe it's just guilt and shame in disguise. But anyway. I am an excellent housekeeper. No, really. I am.
You might want to wear an apron ... (11/27/11)
Happy Post-Thanksgiving, my friends -- I hope you are all sufficiently fat and happy today. Or at least fat, just so I won't feel like I'm alone in the universe of Step Away From The Pie If You Know What's Good For You.
A little Sunday reader's theater ... (11/20/11)
A conversation with the Automated Phone Service Devised in the Pits of Hell:
I'll bet they even have a tiny little disco ball ... (11/13/11)
I am writing to you this week from within a cloud of disinfectant spray, my friends. Apparently, our office has a slight mouse problem, and this morning I got to my desk and discovered some, umm, evidence that they had been there.
On mud-soaked and brain-dead teenage decisions ... (11/06/11)
I hope everyone had a great Halloween, whether you dressed up and got all wild and crazy, or dressed your kids up and took them trick-or-treating, or just sat home and stared at the wall.
Stop the holidays, I wanna get off! (10/30/11)
This week, my friends, I want to share something with you that troubles me deeply. No really. It's a problem. It causes my left eyelid to twitch and renders my brain unable to stop my mouth from launching into loud, impassioned rants.
Shannon Spears Harris
Shannon Spears Harris is a staff writer for the Courier News.