Blytheville Courier News: Columns: Shannon Spears Harris

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And now for a whole lot of complaining ... (06/16/13)
I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but as a refresher -- I'm from Louisiana. I was born there, lots of my family live there and it's familiar to me.

I also love the rain ... (06/09/13)
In a continuation of last week's idea about everyday beauty, a few more moments which caught my notice over the last few days ...

The place where the beauty comes from ... (06/02/13)
I believe in my bones that there are little, tiny, almost impossible-to-notice moments and things and experiences in life that are left along our personal roadside as gifts -- things that enrich us and make us feel more alive and happy to be part of the world.

I wouldn't have sold her anyway ... (05/26/13)
So this one time, I lost my Barbie in the lake. Obviously, tragedy ensued. It was weeks ago, and I'm still not over it.

Also, the rain stays mainly on the plains ... (05/19/13)
So here's what happened today, you guys. I had this great idea for a column. It was brilliant. Actually, it still is brilliant, just not in the current state in which it exists in my mind.

The squirrels are cooler anyway ... (05/12/13)
I'm afraid the birds don't like me. This obviously means that my social anxieties and obsessive need to be liked have reached a whole new level of ridiculous.

Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky ... (05/05/13)
Being a columnist of the genre in which I fall (if there is a genre for someone like me) has changed my life in one very interesting way. Sometimes I have bad days. Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days (name that book).

I'm also pretty sure Lois Lane isn't real... (04/28/13)
Today, as proof that I do occasionally think about serious things and not just how many zombies I could run down in my Jeep should the necessity arise, I'd like to offer some musings on what I do for a living. This little collection of thoughts is something I've been working on for a while, mainly because I love this job and at its core, it is a very thought-provoking thing to show up and do every day, and I wanted to share. ...

Maybe she'll run a marathon with me one day ... (04/21/13)
Let me start off by saying what has to be said: Our country has had a shocking, sad, exhausting and traumatic week.

Bells to be rung and spring to be sprung ... (04/14/13)
Yesterday I found a gray hair. I don't know why I'm telling you this, but hey -- I've told you that I once thought I could breathe through my ears, that I fell down in front of the Parthenon, and that I have extremely violent feelings about blue toilet water, and you've stuck with me. So I need to talk about the gray hair.

We could call it "King of the Aisles" ... (04/07/13)
I have no food in my house. Not that you care, I was just hoping to find someone with whom to commiserate on this issue.

I may have knocked some people down ... (03/31/13)
I stabbed myself in the hand with an ink-pen this morning. It's definitely going to leave a mark. Get it? A mark? Da-dum-tsss ...

If only the dog could have cushioned my fall ... (03/17/13)
I believe, dear friends, that spring may finally have sprung. Because of all the flowers blooming, the warmer breezes and the brighter sunshine, I am happy and feel like hugging a tree.

Indian folk tunes in the bathroom can be soothing ... (03/10/13)
This is one of those times when so much has happened since the last time I sat down to do this column thing that I am completely flummoxed about where to start, what to say and exactly how many details of my recent life might interest you.

Oh, and I'm taking my cowboy boots ... (02/17/13)
OK, guys. As I sit here at this very moment, I only have four more "get-ups" until The Police and I head out for Europe.

And I didn't feel like Marilyn at all ... (02/10/13)
Boy, oh boy. Let me just tell you. As I was sitting down today to face a serious case of Ihavenoideawhattowriteabout-itis, I decided to go get some lunch. And things pretty much took care of themselves from there.

I even heard violin music in my head ... (02/03/13)
Raise your hand if you've read "The Godfather." Now put it back down if you've only seen the movie and you think that's the same thing. Because it's not. While Mario Puzo's epic book is certainly worth an entire column devoted to singing its praises, I have only mentioned it because I want to take an extremely roundabout route to my actual topic. I know you're surprised...

Maybe I can go without shampoo ... (01/27/13)
Today I'm going to share with you some information that I've been sitting on for well over a month, which is monumental for me, considering how excited I am about this.

The sunrise is really so overrated ... (01/20/13)
So, I think I have finally decided on a decent New Year's resolution. Hey, it's still January, right? This is not the sort of thing that you should just rush into.

But we smell like a spring meadow ... (01/13/13)
Big news today, friends, big news. We got a new washing machine. I know, I know, the excitement is hard to bear. Take a few deep breaths. I'll wait.

Light without and light within ... (01/06/13)
It's a new year, and there are several things I would like to say.

The Smurfs couldn't protect me either ... (12/30/12)
I'm afraid of house fires. I know, I know, saying that you're afraid of house fires is kind of like saying you're afraid of spiders or the apocalypse or Lady Gaga ... everyone is.

But I wouldn't try sledding if I were you ... (12/23/12)
Well, boys and girls, it's Christmas time again. Now is the part of the column where we do audience participation: find somebody and give them a Merry Christmas kiss, hug, or polite nod (whichever is appropriate, obviously). I'll wait ...

Her name was Martoiya ... (12/14/12)
Today, dear friends, is not a day to be funny. It's a day to ask questions. And to be honest, I feel a bit pretentious by even attempting to address this issue with my own feeble and meandering thoughts.

It must be really cool to be French ... (12/09/12)
I came across something last week that piqued my interest: the Proust questionnaire. Marcel Proust was a French and sort of existentially brilliant author, and this set of questions was made famous by the answers he gave to them in the journal of a friend.

Now what am I supposed to do with all this ... (12/02/12)
Gather 'round, ladies and gentlemen, for an amazing spectacle the likes of which you've never seen.

They would also be allowed to step on my toes... (11/25/12)
Happy post-Thanksgiving everybody. I don't know about you, but in spite of the fact that I ate way less this year than I normally do (thanks to the lingering effects of a stomach virus), I still sit here on Friday feeling like one of those people in a Pepto commercial - nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach...well, you get my drift...

You can call me Maynard if you want ... (11/18/12)
Among other things, I am realizing today, all over again, that life is meant to be enjoyed. And that is in spite of any and all circumstances, both on an individual level and a societal one.

And the sun will keep on rising ... (11/11/12)
I'm going to step out of character here for a little while, friends. Bear with me. As I've said before, honesty and real-ness are important to me, and life is not always entertaining or amusing. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it takes you by surprise with a gut punch and leaves you gasping for air and wondering what the heck just happened and how you got where you are.

But I do know a lot about Shakespeare ... (10/28/12)
This morning, I had a flat tire. Really flat, as in it had two nails in it plus an extra hole. It was in a thoroughly sad condition. ... Not that I noticed.

You can also learn how to make a paper gun... (10/21/12)
Whenever I sit and replay in my mind the events of the past few days in our home, I hear along with it that chicken dance song. You know, the one that always gets used as the soundtrack for blooper reels, and such. Google it before you read this, if you aren't already hearing it in your head. I promise it will enhance the experience...

All I want in life is maid service ... (10/14/12)
It's random observation time again. I can hear you cheering now. This time I've used subtitles, because subtitles are fancy.

And flowers are always a good idea ... (10/07/12)
Today I want to talk about feminism. If this were the keynote address at a conference or a valedictorian's speech, it would begin with the dictionary definition. "Webster's defines feminism as ..."

I am totally skipping dinner tonight ... (09/30/12)
Hey guys. At this very moment, my system is struggling to digest a ridiculously big lunch, consisting of a lot of sweets. I think this is OK, though, because I had it at a fabulous tea shop and it was called High Tea, which is essentially dainty and ladylike, and masks the fact that I ate like a lumberjack.

Being a face in the crowd has its ups and downs (09/23/12)
This weekend, I'm spending a few days in St. Louis with some family and friends at a conference. At this very moment, I'm sitting in a gigantic stadium with around 20,000 other people, and I'd just like to talk about that.

A few things I hope never happen to you ... (09/16/12)
I hope you never have to stick your arm into the tank of the toilet in the public restroom at a dollar store. Because that would be really, really gross, and you may walk away from the experience feeling as though you'll never be clean again.

And my bike would be called "The Destroyer" ... (09/09/12)
It's been a while since I've offered up a "Random List of Observations" column (you're welcome, by the way). But since I'm itching to share how I feel about useless minutiae and I have nothing else to talk about, away we go.

Stop, collaborate and listen ... (09/02/12)
So today, I'm feeling all ... musical. Let me explain. Last week, I surprised The Police with tickets to a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, scheduled for this weekend. Wife of the Year, right? I know.

Instructions on catching a cold ... (08/26/12)
8:00 a.m. -- Arrive at work (OK, maybe it was more like 8:15). Sit at desk and keep sunglasses on because the light is hurting your itchy, runny, bloodshot eyes. Stare groggily into space for a few minutes.

Mainly I would miss red velvet ... (08/19/12)
The Olympics are over, and I've been left with a huge and gaping hole in my life. For the past two weeks, I have put everything on hold to stay glued to the TV every night until way past my normal granny-ish bedtime.

You can send flowers to their moms if you want ... (08/05/12)
I've been holding on to today's story for a few weeks, mainly so my brain could have time to process the trauma it incurred. But now I think I'm ready. Hope you guys don't mind me using this public forum as some sort of weird substitute for therapy. Thanks.

I think they make a pill for that ... (07/22/12)
I'd like to preface this list by saying that I think that these disorders can crop up in us all from time to time -- I know I am guilty.

And she lived happily ever after ... (07/15/12)
And now, boys and girls, it's time for a fairy tale. Buckle your seat belts for a tale of love and loss, failure and heartbreak, and the triumph of the human spirit.

I will never squish an ant again ... (07/08/12)
Warning: if you are squeamish, I recommend that you pretend this column doesn't exist. I tried to tell my mom this story over the phone, and she told me I had to stop talking immediately before she cried or threw up, or something.

At least he wasn't into the hard stuff ... (06/24/12)
I am, good friends, at this very moment, on family vacation. Since none of my family expect me to update them with the news or be witty or interesting if I don't feel like it, today is day one of a 10-day process in which my brain will shut down all non-essential functions.

I'll take mine well done, with a little umbrella... (06/16/12)
Greetings, amigos. I've heard some rumors abroad that The Police (who apparently has his own following), has not been featured much in this column as of late, so in response to that, I will focus today's ramblings on him. It's not a hard thing for me to do, since I do sort of still have a giant crush on him. Don't tell. Just pass him my note during math class, okay?...

And her signature color was blue ... (06/10/12)
Last weekend I was feeling under the weather and was obliged to spend the majority of my time on the couch with my good friend, Netflix.

I'd also love to make my own jam ... (06/03/12)
Happy Sunday, peeps -- I hope this beautiful weekend hasn't gone to waste for anyone, and that none of you bit your nails as much as I did this week. I can't help it. In spite of more than 20 years of effort on my mother's part to break me of this habit, some days still just make me bite my nails.

The Night Walmart Killed My Soul (05/27/12)
The following is what I would like to call a small town vignette. Please keep in mind that I am not blaming the good people of Walmart for these events, since none of them were really anybody's fault. Except for mine. But that's hardly the point.

And don't even get me started on bird poop ... (05/20/12)
Put on your thinking caps, friends -- today I present you with some really intensely researched science. Keep in mind that in my world, science = random observations that are confirmed by the fact that I've experienced them more than once.

The title shall remain a mystery ... (05/13/12)
I've always been a person who likes to read. Actually that's a bit of an understatement. I've always been a person who likes to obsessively read, is more like it. Luckily, these days, being a nerd isn't so much of a bad thing as it was when I was in high school.

My favorite flavor was strawberry, by the way ... (05/06/12)
As you read this, friends, it will be my birthday. And yes, you should put down the paper right now and sing Happy Birthday. I expect to hear it reverberating all over town. Also I will welcome cupcakes. Just kidding (not really).

It's a good thing I know how to shoot... (04/28/12)
Hey guys. I've decided that this week is confession time, since it's been a while since I've told you anything weird about myself (raise your hand if you think it's only actually been since last week, but play along anyway). For some reason I have a genetic malfunction that fills me with the urge to disclose things about myself that probably no one really cares about. And no, it's not because I'm the baby of my family and I crave attention and validation. Stop analyzing me. Geez...

The dogs are also on medication ... (04/22/12)
This week, and for the next few weeks, The Police is at home, on the couch, recovering from knee surgery. Someone who is used to jumping up every morning and going out to get the bad guys is now laid flat, with nothing but Netflix and the kids who play basketball next door to amuse him.

I'm really a Cap'n Crunch kind of girl... (04/15/12)
Greetings, muchachos. What I have for you today is a list of completely random and pointless observations. You can call it stream of consciousness, if you're the academic type. Or you can just assume that I'm a hopeless nut job.

This is me doing a love song ... (04/08/12)
Today my heart is full. Not because anything special happened or I've finally discovered the perfect combination of hair products, but just because life is good. And in case you didn't pick it up at any of the other dozen times I've mentioned it -- I love my hometown.

Maybe if it were purple ... (04/01/12)
Having been somewhat topical over the past several weeks, I'm excited today to just fill you guys in on some things that have been going on with me and The Police lately.

Can I get an Amen? (03/25/12)
Today, my friends, I feel like preaching. So hang on to your hats. Or your wigs. Or your skirts. You catch my drift.

We're thinking of putting his name on the mailbox... (03/18/12)
This week, The Police and I bought a new mattress -- memory foam, with a layer of cooling gel. It's my best friend, it's the love of my life, we stroll hand in hand on the beach. I've named it Alfred.

May your life be coated in sprinkles (if you like that kind of thing) (03/11/12)
Spring is in the air, and I'd like to give it a big giant hug -- even though it makes my eyes water and my nose gush a lot of snot. That was oversharing. And gross. I apologize.

Don't look like a mountain troll (03/04/12)
Men, you're going to want to tune in today, you might learn something. I mean it. Read on ...

And she carries a mean set of nunchucks ... (02/26/12)
I would like to start off this week by sharing a little celebration with you, my friends. For the first time today -- and I mean the very first time, I spelled the word "receive" correctly on the first shot.

I should be able to outrun a three-legged dog ... (02/19/12)
So, I'm in Istanbul. No big deal, right? I took a job teaching English to young professionals at a language school, signed up to help some local missionaries who were friends of my parents, and hit the city streets.

Who needs Romeo and Juliet? (02/12/12)
In honor of Valentine's Day this year, I am going to bring you, in my own rambling way, the first installment of a grand, sweeping romance -- one that spans continents and years, and ends up right here in this little town on the Mississippi River.

My, what a lovely fake sheep ... (02/05/12)
I would like to thank The Academy for having no idea who I am, my dog Ellie for going almost a week with no accidents on the floor, and the people who run T.J. Maxx for further enabling my shoe obsession. But mostly, I would like to thank my parents for not medicating me for behavior correction when I was a child, because God knows no one would have blamed them...

There's no place like home ... (01/29/12)
So, I just returned to the land of the cotton fields from a weekend in Phoenix, visiting my grandmother.

And another dream bites the dust ... (01/22/12)
I was a gullible kid. Really, really, gullible. I'm going to say it was because I was full of the milk of human kindness in my youth, and had childlike faith to believe the best of everyone, not because I was a total space cadet who barely paid enough attention to my surroundings to keep from falling down.

And make them chocolate chip... (01/14/12)
I think the transition from young person to old person begins at the moment when you realize that the opportunity to stay in your house in your sweat pants all day and hang curtains or something becomes an exciting idea, as opposed to an idea that makes you want to cry. Or maybe that's the moment when you begin to transform from a person with a social life into a hermit. I'm not sure...

For a few days, I was a real adult ... (01/08/12)
From day one of starting this columnist venture, I determined that I would keep it real. All true stuff right here folks. Unfortunately, as we all know, real life isn't always amusing, and neither is my story for today. But that's the way it is.

And the water was too cold to jump in for cover ... (01/02/12)
The woman who is the voice of our GPS system is drunk with power, teeming with sarcasm and must be stopped.

And don't stick your tongue to a frozen flag pole ... (12/25/11)
Since it's Christmas Day as you read this, I sincerely hope that you are cozied up somewhere with your family, wearing footie pajamas in front of the fire and sipping hot chocolate (at least that's how I'm going to picture you all).

For your enjoyment, some pointless observations ... (12/11/11)
I've been going to the gym nearly every day for the last month or so. Feel free to congratulate me next time we meet, or give me a cupcake, because I have to replace all those burned calories. Whichever you feel would be best.

And I didn't even open the trunk ... (12/04/11)
Hey everybody. I'd like to start off this week with a tiny slice of self-justification. Or maybe it's just guilt and shame in disguise. But anyway. I am an excellent housekeeper. No, really. I am.

You might want to wear an apron ... (11/27/11)
Happy Post-Thanksgiving, my friends -- I hope you are all sufficiently fat and happy today. Or at least fat, just so I won't feel like I'm alone in the universe of Step Away From The Pie If You Know What's Good For You.

A little Sunday reader's theater ... (11/20/11)
A conversation with the Automated Phone Service Devised in the Pits of Hell:

I'll bet they even have a tiny little disco ball ... (11/13/11)
I am writing to you this week from within a cloud of disinfectant spray, my friends. Apparently, our office has a slight mouse problem, and this morning I got to my desk and discovered some, umm, evidence that they had been there.

On mud-soaked and brain-dead teenage decisions ... (11/06/11)
I hope everyone had a great Halloween, whether you dressed up and got all wild and crazy, or dressed your kids up and took them trick-or-treating, or just sat home and stared at the wall.

Stop the holidays, I wanna get off! (10/30/11)
This week, my friends, I want to share something with you that troubles me deeply. No really. It's a problem. It causes my left eyelid to twitch and renders my brain unable to stop my mouth from launching into loud, impassioned rants.

Isn't there a reality show about that? (10/23/11)
As I sit here and stare at my computer screen, my friends, I realize that there are some things about me that haven't changed since about the second grade.

And I'll be your best friend forever ... (10/16/11)
Before we get started this week, something needs to be addressed. And snickered about. But cleared up.

Music City Raw (10/09/11)
Last weekend, The Police and I took a little trip to the big city of Nashville, to see one of our favorite singers in concert and attend an international festival. It was a lovely little getaway.

A public service announcement, re: public bathrooms (10/02/11)
This week, my friends, I can only hope I won't offend you beyond all hopes that you would ever read this column again -- because I want to talk about ... the bathroom.

I'm not dead yet ... (09/25/11)
Without preamble, I would like to present you with a list. And then some random thoughts that trailed off of it, because that's just how I roll.

I wish I made this look good ... (09/18/11)
"It's hard to look cool in a bright yellow hatchback." -- The Police ... truer words have never been spoken.

Can I bill al-Qaida for all this shampoo? (09/11/11)
Straddling the fence between funny and serious is a very tenuous job, and finding the line between laughing to cope with tragedy and laughing at tragedy is even more confusing and fraught with difficulty, but here goes ...

And it was all so I could have a clawfoot tub ... (09/04/11)
The Police and I have recently purchased and are currently remodeling a home. I mean remodeling with a vengeance -- like this house's own mother would no longer recognize it.

Lots of stuff no one cares about (08/28/11)
I am addicted to iced coffee. Any brand, any flavor. As long as it has caffeine and caramel or caffeine and chocolate, and is cold and creamy and wonderful. If only Starbuck's didn't charge FOUR DOLLARS for a 13-ounce bottle of the stuff. It would probably be cheaper to smoke...

Just smile and wave, boys (08/21/11)
I wish I could say that I come from a family of scatterbrains, but I do not. I seem to have dropped out of the sky from a planet where everyone wanders through life in a confused daze, into the middle of a very highly organized and professional family.

A few confessions for a Wednesday (07/06/11)
-- I have a degree in English Education. I spent four years teaching other people how to properly use the English language, both stateside and abroad. Yet, I find it completely impossible to spell the words "restaurant" and "receive." I don't just mean that they were hard words for me to learn back in the fourth grade. I mean I spell them wrongly every single time I try to use them. Every time...

His name isn't George (06/06/11)
Today, because it's Monday, and I'm just not as even and sweet-tempered in the mornings as I am the rest of the time, things are going to be a little random. But that's what makes life interesting, right? Right.

You had to be there (05/30/11)
Following, you will find snippets of several conversations that The Police and I have had over the years. Most of them remain in public memory (and mine) because of Facebook

And a Corncob in a Recliner (05/23/11)
Just in case anyone is actually reading these posts (taps computer screen ... hello out there?) I thought I would give an update on the Hurley situation. Some of you did ask, since my post about him going to dog school, how things have progressed. Well, I'll tell you.

Here's to You, Mrs. Robinson (05/16/11)
My birthday was last weekend, and having turned 27, I now feel like I am too old to preface my age with the phrase "I'm only ..."

Stop the hype machine (05/09/11)
I guess you could call me a non-conformist. This might partially explain why, whenever I get bored with life, I do things like dye my hair purple, become a vegan, or move to Istanbul.

Musings on Cars and ... well, you'll see ... (05/02/11)
Apparently, at some point over the last several weeks, water has worked its insidious way into my car, no doubt during one of our recent torrential rainstorms.

Somebody pass the valium (04/25/11)
I am always frustrated by the moments in thriller-type movies in which a character (usually female and usually stupid -- I sigh) ventures off to have a look at that abandoned house or to see what that sound was that she heard in the woods. At night. Alone. Unarmed.

This Is Your Brain on Vacation (04/18/11)
For those of you who do not know me very well, you may not be informed of the fact that I love listening to NPR. No, really. I love it.

Shannon Spears Harris

Shannon Spears Harris is a staff writer for the Courier News.

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